A Series of 'Unpawsionate' Events

Part One

“I had rather be a dog, and bay the moon,
Than such a Roman.”

Shakespeare (Julius Caesar Act IV)

This past week two separate events afforded fresh insights into the incredible world of canine intelligence. Our dogs, Lady and Gimli, taught our family valuable lessons. Let me share these with you so we can all learn together...

I don't know what your philosophy of puppy-raising is - does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Joking aside, we follow the general principle of Caesar Milan, The Dog Whisperer. Dogs thrive in a pack. Each pack has a clear chain of command. I, for example, am pack leader, the Alpha Male.

Whilst in a bad mood I may perhaps growl warningly at my wife, who then may bark out irate commands at our two wonderful children. They in turn may yelp with delight as they squirt Zorro and Wotsit the now startled cats with water-pistols. Get the idea? In a declaration of superiority over the canine species the cats then sit just out of reach on the garden fence grooming themselves in a show of mock feline innocence. This drives the puppies insane.

What follows is a frustrated furry frenzy of barking, yelping, whining, jumping, spinning, back flips and more (The only creature to escape this chain of suffering is Fluffy the emperor scorpion who maintains arachnid dignity under her shelter in the vivarium.). In our pack the dogs are the lowest of the low. Nevertheless, life has a habit of using the humble to teach the great...

Event One - Out of the mouths of babes Puppies.

Recently, Gimli started playing a game with me. For convenience sake I keep the dustpan and brush next to the bin in the kitchen. The brush handle seems to hold hypnotic power over the unwitting puppy who trots happily with it into the back garden. I then retrieve the dust-brush noticing fresh evidence of enthusiastic attention from Gimli's teeth. Once returned to its proper place the game soon re-commences. Lady? She has not been idle either.

You may have read of our puppies digging prowess in The Great Escape feature on this blog in which they put into practise the military doctrine of Escape and Evasion. This time Lady, no doubt influenced by watching a recent episode of Indiana Jones, has dedicated her paws to more academic pursuits. Archaeology, to be precise.

And thus a number of archaeological 'dig' sites have appeared in the back garden at what seemed to me to be random intervals. Not so. Under the cover of darkness (no doubt to prevent discovery by rival academics) the puppies Lady and Gimli have excavated the remains of a civilization dating back to around 44BC (around the time of Julius Caesar). What they have unearthed is nothing short of astonishing. Phd's, professors chairs, peer adulation in journals and public lecture tours will inevitably follow their momentous discovery. History books may well have to be re-written.

It took me a while to realise what was happening. Gimli was not simply chewing the handle of the dust-brush in a playful manner as I had supposed. No, he had been using the brush to carefully and skilfully remove earth from around priceless artefacts! All of his canine instincts were honed into a tool of meticulous precision and care as he and Lady unearthed treasures galore. It was when the dogs began to lay their discoveries at my feet that realisation dawned.

The Romans invaded an occupied Britain and built Hadrian's Wall to keep the Scots out because they didn't like the taste of MacDonalds, or something like that (I think they preferred pizza??). Legionnaires would sometimes keep dogs to hunt with and even take to battle. Lady and Gimli stumbled upon remnants of a Canine Empire that ran in cahoots with Rome. These are their artefacts. What artefacts?

Pieces of pottery from canine water bowls. Leather leashes. Pieces of blanket used to protect Roman hounds from the vagaries of the British climate. Statues of canine gods used when baying at the moon – fairies on rocks, frogs and toadstools. What an insight into the ancient canine empire! Only when the final relic was unearthed that I realised which empire it was.

The gnarled, twisted, bearded figure now resting gently in my hands was the symbol of the mighty Canine Gnoman Empire! Countless figures in his image found all over Europe and beyond. Revered by dogs as their ultimate Alpha Male. His name? Chewlius Caesar...

Who knew that such astounding discoveries would come out of the mouths of puppies?